A response from one DOT-Nista’s Pal
By: Mr. J. Anderson
Here at DOT we truly appreciate your feedback and take it seriously. We loved this letter we received from a friend of a DOT-Nista who happened to be checking out our fab newsletter. Down below is his response to our newsletter topic Picky Picky Princess.
Check it out and let us know what you think!
Ok…so while I was first reading this all kinds of thoughts came to mind. As I started to write things down I think I may have started rambling a bit. Anyway, here are a few thoughts that I had from reading the article 🙂
While I was reading this I couldn’t help but think of what things are like from the male perspective when it comes to approaching women and dating. First of all, for the men that approach women young enough to be their daughters, or reeking of a Jr. High School locker room (sweat and too much Axe body spray), or even those with a “not-so-perfect” smile I have to at least give them credit for having the confidence to approach women. That is the first hurdle that most men have to overcome when it comes to dating. However, it takes more than guts to get women to be interested, and it should be common sense that appearance also plays a part in initial attraction. Even guys that consider themselves “pick-up-artists” realize that appearance plays a part in approaching women. They each have their own way of using their appearance to their advantage, but they know that they can’t just talk their way in if they immediately turn the opposite sex off from the beginning.
Being a recently divorced man, I have had the “pleasure” of getting back into dating (after 12 years of not dating, and never really being good at approaching women to begin with). There were a lot of things that I had to overcome personally in order to be successful at talking to women. First of all I had to realize that rejection is always going to happen. Just like sales, approaching women (for some men) is a numbers game. The more you approach, the better your chances are that someone will say yes. However, there is definitely something to be said about quality over quantity. I’ve finally realized that while I believe that there has to be some initial physical attraction, it’s more important to find someone that has more depth to them. Maybe it’s because I’ve be through a previous marriage, or maybe it’s because I’ve grown up a bit. Too many men seem to be looking for physical attraction thinking that everything else will work itself out later. Is this the case with women too? Of course I’m only referring to men that are really looking for a relationship. We all know that there are also those out there just trying to “hook up” with someone and don’t really have any intention of a relationship.
Once I got past my own personal barriers around talking to women I found myself talking to people all the time just to get to know what makes people tick, and to find out what I am really looking for in a relationship. I’ve talked to women ranging from 19-45 just to see what I could find out about women in general. What I came to realize was that it was actually more important to me to find someone that I can just enjoy being with in any situation. Someone that I can have a conversation with and not feel like the occasional silence was awkward. It was also important to me to find someone that was generally positive about things (that was a requirement based on previous relationships). When I realized how important those things were to me, I realized that it takes more time than just a first impression to find that in someone. Unfortunately, that still hasn’t taken away the requirement of an initial attraction, and for that I realize that the first impression is still critical.
I’ve also learned that the idea of “plug-and-play” is a great concept, but I’ve had to come to the realization that just like anything that is “plug-and-play” there are always limitations. Everyone has limitations, flaws, and imperfections. What’s important is finding someone that you can feel comfortable with; someone with whom you can look past those limitations, flaws, and imperfections and accept them for who they really are.
There are some issues with that because I’ve also noticed that too many times I’ve met women that seem to be one person when they are out with their friends, and then they are completely different when they are on their own. As long as you like both sides of that person that can work just fine, but that’s usually not the case. I have to agree with a friend of mine that told me that too often we change who we are and what we like to accommodate the person we are in a relationship with. This shouldn’t be the case when we are dating someone. We should, first or all, have enough confidence in ourselves to realize that our needs and wants are just as important as those of our partners’, and secondly we should feel comfortable enough with our significant other to be able to be the same person all the time. Isn’t the end goal of dating to find someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with? Do you want to limit who you really are for the sake of someone else for the rest of your life?
From a guy’s perspective, we are not going to change who we really are so the idea of a woman dating us while constantly feeling like things will get better or she can change us is not realistic. In reality I find it more important to be with someone that I WANT to be a better person for. Someone that I respect enough to always want to improve as a person. That kind of change comes from love and respect, and will provide a much happier relationship in the end.