By: Wende Wylie
Editor’s Note: You can learn more about Wende at www.wendewylie.com.
As one of the first female firefighters in California, I lived among men for many years. The first few months were peppered with moments of frustration. Then, one regular day at the station, I noticed something that was so obvious it left me reeling.
It happened as I watched the men gather around the power unit to the Hurst Tool (the Jaws of Life). At first I laughed because they reminded me of cavemen sitting around a campfire. It dawned on me that this is also how they stood around a car engine or huddled during a game. I paid closer attention.
They didn’t say anything. They just stared at the power unit. Moments later, which in woman’s land felt like an eternity, one man said a few words and made a slight gesture. It seemed irrelevant. Yet it was clear by their reaction something significant was being shared among them.
The theme often arises that men are reluctant or resistant to communicate verbally with women in my coaching practice. There are men who complain about the communication (or lack of) with other men. This is not limited to intimate relationships, but includes family members, bosses and co-workers, friends and neighbors, police officers, fire chiefs, and doctors. I had been taught men communicated with body language, but the exchange between the men around the power Unit to the Hurst tool seemed much deeper.
Watching the men around the Jaws of Life at the fire station struck a chord–they were communicating in a way I had never noticed. It was beyond body language or even sign language. It was through pure energy. They were exchanging full experiences with each other without words!
I was determined to learn this language. I paid close attention to everything the men did, what they said and how they behaved. I put myself in their mindset to look at things from their perspective.
Then it happened–my first experience connecting directly to this male energy. It was astonishing. I realized how different the entire structure and viewpoint of the male experience was from the female experience. There may be similarities in our words and actions, but there are no similarities—and I mean NO SIMILARITIES–in the meanings and interpretations of those words and actions.
Shocking as the experience was, my new career called for me to exude communication and leadership skills. Therefore, I was committed to mastering this phenomenon. Eventually, by learning to combine my own female communication with this new and unusually different male communication, I experienced extreme peace, balance and clarity.
It is my honor to share what I learned with anyone who is ready to experience intense love, friendship, appreciation and respect with the men on this planet.
The Five Observations:
1) Men are speaking a non-verbal, universal language.
It isn’t that men aren’t communicating…they’re just speaking an energetic language. There is an actual, measurable male energy collective that men are communicating through. Most men are connected to this male energy at all times. It’s particularly obvious when they are sharing a group experience such as sports. Although some learn to pull away or disconnect under specific circumstance, it could be possible for anyone to connect to this energy.
2) Men use verbal language a different way and for a different purpose than women, and most women are missing or grossly misinterpreting men’s communication.
Everything you want to hear is being said. Everything you ask: how they feel, what they need and want, how they feel about you, their dreams and desires, fears and concerns–everything! It is being expressed energetically rather than verbally, and you must know their language to hear it. Otherwise you will probably experience frustration, betrayal, anger, resentment and guilt.
3) Sexual orientation is irrelevant to this phenomenon.
There is a consistency in the communication regardless of the verbal tongue, culture, age, religion or sexual orientation. Women can be dominantly male communicators as well. It is not limited to the body’s sex.
4) Female or feminine energy sees one part of the world and male or masculine energy sees the other part of the world. The worlds are intrinsically different.
For example, cover your left eye and look ahead with your right eye. It’s likely you see only a portion of your environment and your depth perception is compromised. Next look only through your left eye. You see another portion with some overlap of what was seen through the other eye. Now look through both eyes. You probably see more than the sum of each eye, including more depth.
That is what happens when we balance and blend male and female communication. Individually they are only part of the picture. Bringing them together is what gives us the rich, deep communication we desire.
5) Women hold 100% of the potential for successful relationships with men.
Just because I understand what men are saying doesn’t mean I like everything they say. But knowing what is actually being said gives me the advantage of authentic and successful meeting of the minds and leaves men feeling they are being heard. In my experience, they appreciate that I listen to them and they want to communicate more frequently with me.
Yes, women want to be heard, too. However, it seems women are more adept at learning the male energy communication than men are at learning the female energy communication. It is through women learning to speak “man” that men can learn to speak “woman” and thereby bring the full spectrum of communication to everyone.
Incidentally, don’t throw away what you’ve already learned about how men and women relate. It’s all relevant and useful. Just add this understanding and develop your ability to “tap in” to this elegant experience, and you will see how everything fits together. This is where you will have the peace, balance and clarity of knowing both languages.
Wende and the DOT-Nistas would love to hear how you plan on learning the secret language of men. Leave a comment below.