What to Do When Your Man’s Not Home

By: Dr. Essence Robinson

It’s 7 pm Friday night, and at work all you could think about was the outfit you were going to wear to the wonderful date your boyfriend had planned.  7:30 pm rolls around and un-surprise! he has yet to make it home . . .

OR you’ve been single practically all your life, up until a few years ago when the man of your dreams enters.  Although you enjoy spending every waking moment with him, it would be nice if he had “other plans” so you can have a little time to yourself . . .

OR better yet, he’s still not home, and this time it is driving you and it (if you know what I mean) crazy for a different reason . . .

As many things go in the world of girl, one can never precisely interpret how a woman may act or react when their man is not home.  Sometimes the gap in communication can drive a woman mad when her man just fails to show up regardless his excuse, I mean reason, while his late arrival can drive a woman wild with rage or lust.  Whether he is away from home because you suggested he hang out with the boys after work or away from home because he decided to hang out with the boys after work before your date night, below are some erotic/neurotic/psychotic suggestions on what to do when your man is just not home . . .

Erotic: Your man’s not home, but you’re ready for some action . . .

  1. Go to the store (like Trader Joe’s) and pick a bottle of wine (know the cheaper the bottle the drunker you’ll get).
  2. Go to the mall and stop by Bath & Body Works to pick up scented candles, body wash and body spray in a sensual scent, we recommend Black Amethyst or Sensual Amber; then swing by Victoria’s Secret or Frederick’s of Hollywood for a new sexy number.
  3. On the way home stop by your local book store to pick up a copy of Zane’s Sex Chronicles, or by pass the bookstore and head straight home to catch an episode of Zane’s Sex Chronicles ON DEMAND on Cinemax (Barbershop and Nymph are must see episodes).
  4. After a dose of Zane, light the scented candles, pour a glass of wine, set your Pandora or I tunes player to some old school R&B (like H-Town, Adina Howard or Jodeci) and enjoy a nice warm bubble bath.
  5.  Top off the night draped in your nice new number, spritzed with your new sensual scent and a topped off glass of wine.  Enjoy another episode or chapter of Zane, before you meet up for your date with “Mr. Rabbit.”

Neurotic: Your man’s not home and you’re minds gone halfcrazy . . .

  1. Go on a shopping or cleaning spree to buy your man some time, and take your mind off of the fact that he is not home.
  2. After you’ve indulged in some retail therapy or become delirious from the cleaning product fumes, proceed to text, IM, e-mail and/or send a message via courier pigeon asking about his estimated time of arrival.
  3. Still no response???  Block your number or have a pal try to contact your man (studies has have shown that men are 10 times more likely to answer the phone from an unfamiliar number than from a neurotic girlfriend).
  4. If your usual means of communication fail to bring your man home, search your desktop for a recent head shot of your man and utilize your Microsoft Office package to design a milk carton side and corresponding missing posters. Remember to include a reward to increase the likelihood of his return.
  5. Contact you local radio or news station to send out a PSA.  If 24 hours has elapsed, you can file a formal missing person’s complaint with your local police department.

Psychotic: Your man’s still not home and it is time for some drastic measures . . .

  1. Call your two closest gal pals to accompany you on operation search and find.  Make sure one pal is willing to drive the get away car, and the other is prepared to be the look out.
  2. Once gal pals arrive prepare for the operation with music that will get you hype (like Jazmine Sullivan’s Bust Your Windows), and a glass of wine as you discuss what places you will look for your man at.
  3. Once locations are set (work/school/bar/a mutual friends house) mentally prepare by planning for the best and worst case scenarios.
  4. If you were successful in your attempt to locate your man and he is not in a compromising situation let him be and send him a text expressing your desire to have him home.  If you find your man in a compromising situation you could confront him with your pals or let him be.  Any man that will step outside of a relationship is not worth having inside a relationship.
  5. If you were unsuccessful in your attempts to locate your man, it’s okay.  Simply return home and await his arrival with a bat/knife/can in hand.  Trust me, when he sees your psychotic face equipped with weapon in hand he will be scared  out of his foolish ways without you having to inflict bodily harm.

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  1. Candace

    OMG this is so funny! Sad but funny!

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